Why “Contribution” is So Important to a Marriage

Recently, I was asked to present an evening workshop by an association of professional women on “How to Negotiate with your Spouse”. I was pleased and surprised that they invited a divorce lawyer to present on this topic (which I call, “How to Get Along with Your Spouse”), but it actually makes great sense. Who but a divorce lawyer is in a great position to see what happens when a couple cannot get along.

The association probably found me on the web through my work in Mediation to Stay Married (also known as marital mediation). This is an emerging field of mediations. As a divorce lawyer, I can see how a couples’ interactions are leading them to divorce. I can alert them to the problems, how they lead to divorce, and help them do something about it through mediation.

When we work on divorces with our clients, our clients tell us what went wrong with the marriage. The other spouse generally has another “take” on what went wrong. When you put the two versions together (reminds me of the 1952 classic Japanese film “Rashomon”) you can get a composite view of what went wrong. From this composite view you can “reverse engineer it”, to find out what needs to go “right” in the marriage in order for marriage to succeed.

At the beginning of my presentation to the professional women, I asked them to (anonymously) each write on a 3 x 5 card, a problem in their marriage or relationship, and something they find very annoying about the significant other. The women wrote assiduously with almost 100% participation. I think no one had ever asked them these questions, and they really wanted to unburden.

I used the answers as jumping off points in my presentation. I was not at all surprised that the great proportion of the responses dealt with their feelings of lack of contribution by their spouses or significant others. The notice of “contribution” is a legal term, and is greatly relevant in divorces. Sometimes lack of contribution is reality; sometimes it a perceived lack of contribution, and is not real.

“Contribution to the marriage” is an area where most married couples and committed couples find significant discomfort. It needs to be talked about by the spouses or partners, directly, often, gently, and with humor. The discussion will reveals a treasure trove of history, gender perceptions, culture, religion and family history that will be explored as the couple talks about the issue. The hope is that this discussion will lead to greater clarity, empathy, or appreciation, and maybe some practical changes in the balancing of work needed to make a household run happily and smoothly.

© 2009 Laurie Israel.  All rights reserved.   

 

Laurie Israel,  founder of the firm Israel, Van Kooy & Days, LLC  has a tax background and an interest in what makes marriages break down. She is on the board of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, and is a board member and is active in the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.  She writes and presents on prenuptial agreements, mediation, marriage, and collaborative law.

Seminars and Workshops

Divorce Center presentation on January 27, 2011, in Quincy. 

Laurie Israel will be one of the presenters at a seminar sponsored by The Divorce Center on January 27.  Her topic will be financial issues in connection with divorce.

Montana Mediation Association (MtMA) invites Laurie Israel to present on Marital Mediation.    Laurie Israel will be in Helena, Montana, presenting an all-day workshop on marital mediation for mediators on April 30, 2011.  On April 29, she will present a short introductory presentation on the topic.

 

 

First 2-day workshop on Marital Mediation given in March, 2010.

After presenting one-day and shorter marital mediation workshops, Laurie Israel and John Fiske, a Cambridge mediator/lawyer realized that a two-day workshop was needed to get practitioners started in this important and helpful area of mediation.  Their training held on March 5-6, 2010,  was a great success, with much material presented, and extraordinary and capable participants.   For a look at the 2-day workshop schedule, see  Laurie’s website www.mediationtostaymarried.com  Laurie’s powerpoints aimed at new marital mediation practicitioners and potential clients (and referral sources) elicited much comment and discussion.  The particular issues of psychotherapists and counselors functioning as mediators was explored. 

Laurie and John are pioneers in the emerging area of marital mediation. Both have presented in Massachusetts and in conferences in the U.S. on the topic.

 

Financial Bootcamp for Divorce Mediators Presentation.

Laurie Israel recently gave a 3 hour workshop at the symposium of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation Family Mediation Institute in Wellesley, MA on November 13, 2009 entitled “Financial Bootcamp for Divorce Mediators”. Susan Miller, CPA was the go-presenter. In 2008, Laurie presented “Mediating through Alimony Minefields” at the Institute. She is a frequent writer for the MCFM Family Mediation Quarterly, most recently in the Winter, 2009 issue, with her article “Times They Are A’ Changin’, or Are They? Alimony in a Changing Landscape”.

Helpful Links

Helpful Links
Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation

Mediate.com

Mediation to Stay Married

The Association for Conflict Resolution and The New England Association for Conflict Resolution

Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP)

DivorceNet

DivorceSource

Divorce Headquarters

Marital Mediation

When a Parent Wants to Relocate with a Child

We live in a very mobile society. People come to Massachusetts for their education and for job opportunities from all over the U.S. and foreign countries. This poses a problem when a spouse wishes to go back home  after a divorce– to their state (or home country) where their extended family lives and want to take the children of the marriage with them.  (The technical term for this is “removal”. )

The problem also comes up with job loss and employment opportunities for a spouse who has joint or primary custody of the children. It is a difficult problem for spouses to deal with even in an ongoing marriage. So when spouses are divorcing (or have already divorced), when the level of cooperation and good will may be at a lower point, it is especially difficult.

In divorces, I have seen the following permutations:

Both divorcing spouses decide it’s best to move to the city or country chosen by one. Or sometimes the primary parent spouse moves away with the children and without the other former spouse. Sometimes the non-primary parent moves away without the children. The decision regarding removal needs to be made gently, thoughtfully and carefully, with the utmost attention to the needs and well-being of the children.

It is important to have children near extended family, if possible. But it is also important for the children to be near both parents, if possible.  Sometimes a spouse needs to move to get  family support and help taking care of the children, or to earn a livelihood. No matter how you slice it, when a parent leaves permanently with children, it is a hard situation.

In cases where a parent has primary physical custody, a court may permit that parent with the child or children if he/she shows that there is a “real advantage” to the move. See Yannas v. Frondistou-Yannas, 395 Mass. 704, 705, 706, 711 (1985). Under the real advantage test, “[s]hould it be found that there is a genuine, recognizable advantage to the custodial parent from the move, the inquiry then turns to whether the move is consistent with the children’s best interests. In the analysis, the consideration of the advantages to the custodial parent still remains a significant factor in the equation. Pizzino v. Miller, 67 Mass. App. Ct. 865, 870 (2005).   In cases that have gone to litigation on this issue, it’s a fairly high burden of proof to meet.

The American Law Institute’s Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution in Chapter 2 has also weighed in on the issue of removal. It asserts that “[T]he court should allow a parent who has been exercising the clear majority of custodial responsibility to relocate with the child if that parent shows that the relocation is for a valid purpose, in good faith, and to a location that is reasonable in light of the purpose”.   And the American Academy of Matrimonial Attorneys (AAMA) has issued a proposed Model Relocation Act, which in sections 405 and 406 articulates factors to be considered, and factors not to be considered when determining a contested removal. Interesting in the (short) list of what is not to be considered is whether the parent seeking relocation has said that he/she would not relocate if the removal petition was denied.

Because removal is such a difficult juncture for parents with close ties to children, removal issues are good topics to use alternative dispute resolution techniques to resolve, such as Mediation or Collaborative Law. They require the utmost in flexibility, good will, and clear thinking on the part of the parents, with capable assistance by attorneys or mediators.

Laurie Israel  is engaged in helping divorcing and divorced resolve their disputes in the most humane way possible.   She is joined in her practice of family law at the firm with Karen Van Kooy and Ronny Sydney.

Laurie Israel,  founder of the firm Israel, Van Kooy & Days, LLC  has a tax background and an interest in what makes marriages break down. She is on the board of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, and is a board member and is active in the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.  She writes and presents on prenuptial agreements, collaborative law, mediation and marriage.

 

Collaborative Practice: A Marriage to the Divorce

There is definitely something very special about accomplishing a divorce through Collaborative Practice. This specialness is present for the attorneys, for the clients, and for the other collaborative professionals involved in the process. The word that immediately comes to mind is “transformative”.

The transformative nature of the process is created by several features of Collaborative Practice. One of these is dealing with each other with truthfulness. This leads to a transparency in the Collaborative process that transforms what might have ended up in nastiness into something else – a final, magnanimous, clear-eyed parting of one relationship (spouses) and beginning of another (ex-spouses, co-parents

Another feature that engenders a transformative result is the agreement not to litigate while in the Collaborative process. This is the so-called “Commitment Agreement”, a legally-binding pledge to work out the terms of divorce within the Collaborative Practice team, without resorting to litigation. Yes — the parties (or either of them) can choose to “opt out” and litigate their case (with other attorneys) at any time. But generally they don’t, and the case stays within the Collaborative process. As a result, the parties are provided with a sense of safety while they work out the practical and emotional issues relevant in their new circumstance of no longer being spouses. This is what Collaborative practitioners refer to as the “safe container” of Collaborative Practice. It is a net of safety that really works to let the parties work on their divorce with clarity and ease.

Within the container of the Collaborative process, the parties are able to discuss their divorce and the possible terms with freedom and truthfulness and in their own time. They are able and encouraged to express their own needs and fears. The Collaborative Practice team is there to assist them with knowledge about the technical aspects of divorce and to help in finding solutions. The team also assists in keeping the process from emotionally getting off-track.

It is the lure of this quality of divorce that brings clients and professionals to Collaborative Practice. As a lawyer working in this field for nine years, I have had occasion to ponder on what makes this practice so powerful and what makes it so prone to successful outcomes. The articulation that has been recently coming into my mind more and more, is that Collaborative Practice is essentially a ‘marriage’ to the divorce. That is not to say that the divorce process will take a long time (hopefully it will not), but that the parties are committed to working out the divorce together as the last ‘act’ of their marriage.

These are the parties, who, in most cases have been together for a long time, and have many connections – children, community, and financial – and a book of experiences to draw upon. Yes, these people are getting divorced, which means that they perceive that their marriage can no longer go forward. But many of our clients wish to go forward as friends and allies, and not enemies. That certainly makes sense, because at one time certainly (and probably for some years afterwards) these people loved, respected and cherished each other. So why not continue those feelings and sentiments at the end of the marriage? It actually is often possible, and Collaborative Practice facilitates this kind of transformation.

That is the beauty of the Collaborative process. It flows from the free expression by the parties of their truths, needs, and wishes. It is further strengthened by the Commitment Agreement and is nourished by the Collaborative professionals who are experienced and trained in handling the practical and emotional aspects related to the end of the marriage.

The feelings of satisfaction at the end of a successful case can be very rewarding. They include financial puzzles solved creatively, and respect and support shown by the spouses as they work through the end of their marriage. There can also be a sense of peace and calm as the couple embarks on their new separate lives, generally bringing with them family connections that will remain for a lifetime.
Copyright ©2009 Laurie Israel.

Meet Karen Van Kooy

Karen Van Kooy is a member/partner of Israel, Van Kooy & Days, LLC having joined the predecessor firm, The Law Offices of Laurie Israel, in 2007. She practices in the area of Domestic Relations. Karen is an experienced family law attorney, having represented clients in divorce, custody, paternity and child support matters. Karen has a developing practice in collaborative family law and mediation. Karen provides a full range of services to people in need of a domestic relations attorney.