Happy Life, Happy Wife

Did you ever hear the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life”?  This overused adage seems to help some people (generally husbands) focus on their wife’s happiness in order to secure a peaceful, happy marriage.  It seems quite manipulative.  What about the man’s happiness?  It’s interesting that the opposite “Happy Husband, Happy Life” is not used.  Studies show that divorces are more often initiated by wives, so perhaps there tends to be an inequality in marital contentment, weighed towards the husbands’ side.

 I originally thought the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life” was of Oriental origin, because it seemed like the kind of thing you’d find in a fortune cookie.  However, my Google search on the term brought up no Oriental sources.  

 The search for “Happy Wife, Happy Life” did in fact bring up a website www.happywife.com, the work of Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, who offers many marriage improvement resources (including his own books, tapes, seminars, etc.) on the site.   The term, however, does not seem to be derived from Rabbinic literature, and according to Pamensky, his courses and materials are used by people of difference faiths other than the Jewish, and also by secular couples.

The adage is confirmed by a 2009 German study of Australian divorces that notes where there is a disparity on satisfaction of the husband and the wife, divorce is much more likely, especially if the relative dissatisfaction is experienced by the wife.  http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/29/dont-become-happier-than-your-wife/

Then there’s www.yourhappywife.com.  This site seeks to assist husbands in making their wives happy by helping them choose presents for their wives, which can be conveniently ordered on the website.  Actually, the wares are quite attractive, including eco-soap and herbal teas. These might certainly pave the way for a clueless husband seeking to make his wife happy.  In addition, the husband needing further help can email the site and pose his marital question or problem. “Within 24 hours or sooner”, the person(s) operating the site will respond with the best advice they can give.  The site notes that all emails will be kept confidential and, in order to receive the best advice possible, that honesty is expected from the husband seeking advice.  (I’d like to be a fly on that wall!)

As Rabbi Pamensky says on his site, “A happy wife is a happy life.  It’s just that simple.” 

 But is it?

 George Pransky, a psychologist in Washington State has another theory of marital dysfunction.

His theory is that a person’s own mental/emotional state is the biggest indicator of whether the marriage will work well.  If two people have a low mental or emotional state, Pransky says, marriage enrichment or marital therapy is like spraying for mildew in a damp basement. It never works as a long-term cure.  In his marital counseling, Pransky tries to elevate the couple from the damp basement into an environment of good mental health.  It is only then,  Pransky says, that people can truly work on their marriage to make it  thrive and survive.  Prasky’s book, “The Relationship Handbook”, is a great resource for those couples who want to elevate  their mental state and start working on their relationship.  You can order a copy through www.amazon.com.

 So perhaps the more accurate stating of the adage is “Happy Life, Happy Wife.”  Or even “Happy Life, Happy Husband.”

Keeping your Last Will and Testament Safe

Clients frequently ask me where to keep their signed Last Will and Testament.  The original Last Will is required for probate.  If only a copy can be found, the testator is presumed to have revoked the Last Will and Testament.  Asking for a copy of the Will to be allowed will pose a problem, unless all of the heirs at law (those who would receive the estate had the decedent died without a will) assent to the copy. 

What if you were to place the original in a safe deposit box at a bank?  This is a good solution for many people.  However, unless there is a joint signer to the box who possesses (or who can obtain) a key, there will be a problem getting the will out of the box after the testator’s death. 

The best way to solve this problem is to have at least two people at all times who can access the box.  This works well for married people, but once one spouse has died, the surviving spouse should think about providing joint access to another person so that when the second spouse dies, getting the Last Will is easy. 

If you are single (or your spouse has died), have a friend or a relative be able to access the safe deposit box after your death, by having him/her signing as a joint registrant on the box.  You need to trust the person you select to have joint access.  You may want to think about whether or not to select a relative who would receive an “intestate share” as next of kin if you died without a will, but who will receive nothing if the Last Will in the safe deposit box is probated.

If a friend or relative has died and you suspect that the Last Will is in his/her safe deposit box, you may have a problem.  You cannot probate the Last Will until you have it. If you go to the bank, you may be told that you cannot open the box until you are appointed by the court.  That creates a “Catch 22”, because you can’t be appointed as executor (where there’s a will) until you have the original Will in your hand.

In a situation like this, some banks have good internal procedures and systems in place to provide access to a Will in a safe deposit box.  Some do not.  If the safe deposit box does not have a joint holder, you may have to go to Probate Court to get an order to access and search the box. 

Other possibilities for keeping your Last Will and Testament safe include keeping it in a fireproof lock box at home or simply having the original documents in a file at home.  Make sure your named executor and at least one of your heirs knows where the box and the key to it is located, or where the file at home has been placed.