“Divorce Tourism” – American Style

In India, only one out of every hundred marriages fails.  But the divorce rate is rising, especially in big cities, due to changing lifestyles, urbanization, women’s economic independence, and growing prevalence of “western” attitudes towards marriage.  Though the divorce rate is low compared to most developed countries, it has reportedly doubled in the past five years.   At the same time, traditional Indian culture views divorce as shameful, and marital counseling is only just beginning to gain acceptance. 

 “Divorce Tourism” is the invention of Vijesh Thakkar, owner of a Mumbai tour company, KV Tours and Travel.  After watching his best friend’s marriage disintegrate, Thakkar wondered if he could help other married couples heading for divorce. http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1941208,00.html 

With this impetus in mind, he launched “divorce tourism” packages in 2009 to help couples who are heading towards divorce.  The idea is that the couple embarks on a week-long stay in a resort with time and leisure to heal their relationship. 

At first, Thakkar thought that a relaxing vacation in a quiet destination could regenerate a marriage. But   couples having marital problems often continue fighting during a vacation.  A couple could not identify and resolve their communication difficulties, even in the relaxing atmosphere of a vacation. 

Then Thakkar’s inspiration was to add the option of including a “tour guide” with the couple, who is a marital counselor.  Sometime this tour guide was introduced to the couple as a marital counselor.  But due to the stigma of divorce and resistance to psychotherapy in India, sometimes the vacation and tour guide had been secretly arranged by a concerned friend or parent.  In this case, the tour guide traveled incognito.  As the vacation unfolded, the tour guide would discretely help the couple resolve communication difficulties without revealing his true identity. 

The recent Hollywood comedy “Couples Retreat:  Return to Eden” is a lamehearted comedy about four couples who attempt to improve their marriages by undergoing counseling on a tropical island.  

If we’re to take this concept seriously, we should imagine a vacation involving one couple and one “tour guide”  –  a professional who deals with marital problems.   In societies where therapy is widely accepted, this could be conducted openly and could be a sound approach for marital therapists and other professionals to address marital problems.  In fact, it might be much more conducive to constructive thinking and conversation than the typical therapy session sitting on chairs in a drab office.

The “tour guide” could either be a marital counselor, or another professional who deals with marital problems, such as a marital mediator.  In marital mediation, a mediator works with a couple using mediation techniques to identify and understand communication problems.  While there is some overlap between marital counseling and marital mediation, either approach can be very helpful to a couple whose marriage is in trouble.  http://www.maritalmediation.com.

The advantage of taking a vacation with a “tour guide” is that there is plenty of time to view the couple’s interactions in real time, not bounded by an hour therapy or mediation session.  It is intensive.  The “tour guide” can take notes on the spouses’ verbal interactions, sometimes combined with audio recording.  That way, exactly what was said could be analyzed with the “tour guide” and the couple.   Negative communications and misunderstandings can be revealed.  The couple can be helped with ways to address and minimize corrosive interchanges. 

Often struggling couples will fight quite viciously about trivial matters. The “tour guide” can point out what the couple does not see – they are arguing at times about nothing important.  When the couple sees actual data about their arguments, they sometimes can let go of some thought patterns and bickering that are causing corrosiveness in the marriage.  When a marriage starts to improve, the trajectory for further improvement is set, and things can gradually get better. 

Of course, “Divorce Tourism” would be expensive, based on cost of a vacation for three plus the professional fees of the “tour guide”.  But if it could increase the chance of saving the marriage, it’s certainly worth considering.

While “Divorce Tourism” will not always be successful in forestalling a divorce, in many cases it could be a powerful tool in setting a couple back on a fulfilling marital path.  If two people wish to remain married, but cannot figure out how because of incessant conflict, it may be a creative opportunity for them to get to the bottom of what is destroying their marriage.  

Most marriages are killed by a litany of petty unresolved arguments, unrealistic expectations, and overemphasis on unimportant disputes.    For these spouses, “Divorce Tourism” may be a fruitful alternative to a visit to a divorce attorney’s office.

© Laurie Israel 2011.

Don’t Let Your Attorney Hijack Your Divorce

As published in Huffington Post, 11/30/2010. 

You have embarked on a divorce, selected a lawyer, and now are ready to begin the process.  Be careful of the many pitfalls as you work with your attorney.  Here are some things to avoid as your divorce wends its way through the legal process:
 
1.  The Letter.  The divorce usually starts with your lawyer sending a letter to your spouse telling him or her of your intention to divorce.  Your story, as told to your lawyer, may become unrecognizable in the letter sent to your spouse.   The tone may be cranky, nasty, aggressive, accusative, or all of the above.  It may distort facts or contains information you did not want to express to your spouse.  Your attorney may have sent it without your approval.  You are mortified, regretful and embarrassed.    The letter is the opening salvo, sets the tone for the entire divorce, and is never forgotten. 
 
2.  The Filing.  Many divorce attorneys believe that it is correct operating procedure to file a divorce first, and ask questions later.  Filing a divorce sets court calendars in motion, and the timing is no longer yours to choose. The non-filing spouse may have to be served by a constable appearing at their door or place of work.  Litigation is war — there is no other way to describe it.  So what began as a magical, loving association ends with a war.  War is nasty by definition, and people get injured.  Innocent bystanders are harmed.  The divorce lawsuit will never be forgotten.  Granted, sometimes filing is a necessary way to start the divorce, but often it is not.  A divorce process can be started by face-to-face meetings with your spouse and your attorneys or with a mediator.  These methods set a very different tone than a constable at the door.
 
3.  Are You Really Ready for Divorce?  You may have hit bottom in your marriage, and believe the only thing to do is to get divorced.   Upon your first visit to an attorney, beware that many attorneys will go into full-force fighting gear and start the divorce process without considering that you may need more time to think about it.    Attorneys are sometimes like plumbers — they see a problem and take the steps to “fix” it without considering that a person who is contemplating divorce may be just thinking, envisioning, and fact-finding.  If your divorce attorney takes a zealous role, you won’t have time to consider whether you really want to divorce.   In fact, hitting bottom can be a wake-up call towards reclaiming and revitalizing your marriage.  You won’t find the space to do that if you visit an overly aggressive divorce attorney who starts the process right away.
 
4. Money Issues Distort the Process.  Yes, money issues in divorce are very significant.  When separating a family into two households, there is almost always economic scarcity.  Divorce lawyers tend to do money division very aggressively.  Remember, a litigated divorce is a war in which the lawyers view more money as a win, and less money as a loss.  But divorce trials will always create harsh feelings, and very often will produce unfair results.  If there are children, the corrosiveness caused by fighting over money will spill over into the children’s emotional well-being for their entire lives.  Children see and hear very clearly and will know what’s going on.  Spouses who work through money issues directly (or through a four-way process with their lawyers, or through mediation) almost always can come to terms which are reasonable and workable.  The spouses feel better because they, and not their attorneys, are in control and their needs are fully expressed and acknowledged.  The bitterness that comes with winning and losing in Court can be eliminated by working through the financial problem together.  In a sense, working on money issues together can be the last act of the marriage.  And it can be a loving and respectful one.

© Copyright 2010 Laurie Israel.

 

Laurie Israel teaches Marital Mediation in Helena, Montana

The Montana Mediation Association (MtMA) invited Laurie Israel to teach a Marital Mediation workshop on April 29 and April 30, 2011.  She  presented an introduction on Friday, April 29, and an all-day workshop in Marital Mediation on April 30, 2011.  She had never been to Montana, and had a wonderful trip, meeting and interacting with Montana mediators interested in learning how to help marriages improve and flourish by means of marriage mediation.